Funny Stories

Two hunters had rented...

Two hunters had rented an airplane to get to the distant forest zone. After couple of weeks the pilot returned to take them back. After looking at their hunting trophies he said:
– The plane won’t be able to carry more than one buffalo. You will have to leave one of them.
– But last year the pilot agreed to take on board two buffalos the same size as these,- the hunters protested.
The pilot thought about it and said:
– Ok. If it worked the last year, it should work this time too.
The plane tried to take off with two passengers and two buffalos on board, but it was not able to reach the required height. The plane crashed into the nearest hill. After getting out the plane wreck, the hunters looked around. One of them said to another:
– Where do you think we are?
His pal examined the surroundings and answered:
– I think we are two miles south from the place that we crashed the last time.

An old man came into...

An old man came into the bank and asked for a loan of 500 dollars. The bank employee started filling out the papers.
– What are you going to do with this money? – He asked.
– I will go to the city to sell the jewellery that I made.
– What do you have for the security of the loan?
– I don’t know, what is a security? – the man said.
– Well, security – is something that has value and can cover the cost of the loan. Do you have a car?
– Yes – a 1949 year truck.
– No, it won’t suit, – said the bank clerk. – Maybe you have livestock?
– Yes, I have a horse.
– How old is it?
– I don’t know because it doesn’t have teeth anymore to tell.
In the end the papers for the loan were filled and the man was given 500 dollars.
After a couple of weeks the man came to the bank again with a package of money. He counted the ones belonging to the bank and hid the other ones.
– What are you going to do with the other money, – the same clerk asked.
– I will keep them in my house, – the man answered.
– You can make a deposit in our bank.
– I don’t know, what’s a deposit? – The man said.
– Well, you give the money to the bank, bank takes care of it, and when you need money, you can take it.
The old man thought about it and asked:
– Does the bank have something to give me in security for the money?

Young, newly appointed...

Young, newly appointed IBM company‘s manager was carpeted by his leadership. He made a deal, in which his leadership lost 10 million dollars.

When he realized his mistake, it was too late, the money were floated away.

He came into the office and, feeling his guilty and not waiting until the leadership will tell him something, said:

— I understand that you can retire me, and, admitting my guilt, accept your decision.

— To retire you? — The leader asked. — We have just spent 10 million on your training and may not throw such valuable human resources. Go to work!

One rich man decided...

One rich man decided to realize his old dream: to lead an orchestra. He hired a drummer, three saxophonists, and twenty four violinists.

During the first rehearsal, he conducted so poorly that the drummer suggested other musicians to leave him. But one saxophonist said:

– Why do we have to leave? He pays well. Moreover, he probably understands the music.

At the next rehearsal the conductor could not get a rhythm. Angry drummer started a deafening drumming. The conductor asked for silence, looked around the musicians and asked:

– Who did this?

An exciting adventure...

After thirty years spent watching television, the husband told his wife:

– Let us now do something really exciting.

These words brought to her mind pictures of pleasure jaunt through the night city.

– Excellent! – She exclaimed. – What will we do?

– Well, I thought… Let’s exchange chairs, honey!

Dirty linen...

One married couple moved to the new apartment. In the morning a wife, just after waking up, looked through the window and saw a neighbouring woman, who was hanging out her linen to dry.
— Look at her dirty linen — she told her husband.
But he continued to read the newspaper and didn’t pay any attention to her words.
— Perhaps her soap is bad or she does not know how to wash, we ought to teach her!
And every time the neighbouring woman was hanging out her linen, the wife was surprised how dirty it was.
One morning she looked through the window and screamed:
— Oh! Today the linen is pure. Probably the neighbouring woman learned to wash it at last!
— No, it’s not, – her husband answered — today I just woke up a little bit earlier and washed up a window.

One married couple came...

One married couple came to visit their friends at the other end of the country. Their friends took them to the races. Fascinated by overlooking the horses raced around the racecourse, the husband and wife were playing sweepstakes all the evening, while only two dollars have left in their pocket.

Next day the husband said that he would go to the races alone. In the first race he put two dollars on the outsider, and the horse came to the finish first. He put all his winnings on the next race and won again. That day, he was very lucky; his winning has reached fifty seven thousand dollars in the evening.

On the way home he saw a gambling house. The inner voice, the one that told him today, what kind of horse he needed to put his money on, said:

— Come in and play.

A man came inside and saw roulette before him. The voice said:

— Number thirteen.

A man put all fifty seven thousand dollars to the number thirteen. When the roulette stopped, the dealer announced:

– Number fourteen.

He returned home with empty pockets. His wife asked, meeting him near the door:

– How did you play?

Her husband shrugged the shoulders:

– I’ve lost two dollars, – he said.

A man walked into...

A man walked into a small Irish pub and ordered three beers. Bartender was surprised, but he served that man three beers. One hour later the man ordered three beers again. The very next day that man ordered three beers again and drank quietly at a table. This repeated several times and shortly after the people of the town were whispering about the man, who was ordering three beers at once.

A couple of weeks later, the bartender decided to clear this out and inquired: „I do not want to pry, but could you explain, why do you order three beers all the time?” The man replied: „It seems strange, isn‘t it? You see, my two brothers live abroad at the moment, one – in France and another – in Italy. We have made an agreement, that every time we go to pub each of us will order extra two beers and it will help keeping up the family bond“.

Soon all the town have heard about the man‘s answer and liked it a lot. The man became a local celebrity. Residents of the town were telling this story to newcomers or tourists and even invited them to that pub to look at Three Beer Man.

However, one day the man came to pub and ordered only two beers, not three as usual. The bartender served him with bad feeling. All that evening the man ordered and drank only two beers. The very next day all the town was talking about these news, some people pray for the soul of one of the brothers, others quietly grieve.

When the man came to pub the next time and ordered two beers again, the bartender asked him: „I would like to offer condolences to you, due to the death of your dear brother”. The man considered this for a moment and then replied: „Oh, you are probably surprised that I order only two beers now? Well, my two brothers are alive and well. It‘s just because of my decision. I promised myself to give up drinking“.

There was a man who lived...

There was a man, who lived in the mountain village, and he was known because he has never argued with anyone. One day some correspondent, who wished to write about this man in the Guinness book of records, came to him. They had the following conversation:

— Please tell me, is it true, that you have lived more than 90 years and never argued with anyone?

— Yes, it is true.

— Absolutely with no one?

— Absolutely with no one, at all!

— Even with your wife?

— Even with my wife.

— Even with your children?

— Even with my children.

— Not once for 90 years?

— Not once.

— Not once absolutely with no one? — becoming angry, the correspondent asked.

— Yes, —the old man said quietly.

The correspondent (blushing and becoming irritated):

— It can‘t be, that you had not argued with anyone for all your life!

— I had, had, had… — the old man said apologetically.

Mother asked her child...

Mother asked her child:

— Do you know that God was here, when you were stealing cookies from the kitchen?

— Yes, I do.

— And do you know that he was looking at you all this time?

— Yes, I do.

— And how do you think, what he said?

— He said: “There is nobody here apart from us, so take some cookies for me, too!”